The Little Girl with the Shag Haircut
Dec 10, 2023
I started “parts work” for my Complex PTSD a few weeks ago. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. Like ever. It brings me to a vulnerable place where I become an emotional mess and lose the control that my protective side has fought for decades to maintain.
If you are unfamiliar with parts work, picture a set of nesting dolls where each doll encases the smaller ones but all you can see on the surface is the largest one. As we grow from child to adult, we carry smaller versions of ourselves on the inside. In a healthy person, those all become what’s called Apparently Normal Parts (ANP) and a fully functional adult. When you have experienced childhood trauma and subsequently developed Complex PTSD, it can be very different. Instead of ANP, you may block off certain parts of yourself as a protective measure. You may have some ANP and others that are burdened by the emotional scars from the past.
For me, my kid part is frozen in the image of my 4th grade school picture. It’s funny, I begged my mother for a shag haircut that summer. I have always hated that photo and thought it was because of my hair. I recently realized that I hate that photo because that was the last time that I would see myself as an innocent, naïve child. A couple of weeks later, my father died, and my mother’s response was to abandon me emotionally.
Looking in a mirror makes me uncomfortable, so much so that I have become what I call “wash and go”. I don’t wear makeup or have a hairstyle that needs much work. I spend as little time as possible looking in a mirror. I always joke that it’s because I’m lazy but I’m not. In reality, I see that little girl, the one with the ugly shag haircut, looking back at me and I don’t know if isolating her was good or bad. I didn’t consciously decide to lock her up, but the subconscious part of my brain felt it was necessary.
My father was the parent who I felt most safe with. When he was gone, I started to feel vulnerable and lost. As a protective response, I locked up my “kid” part, the innocent little 4th grader with the bad haircut, like Rapunzel in a tower. I wanted to freeze her in time, to protect her from what I knew would be years of rejection and disappointment.
When Daddy died, I was expected to grow up overnight and was frequently praised for every adult task that I performed. If I cooked meals, I was praised. When I cleaned the house, I was praised. When I took care of my mother, I was praised and also felt like she loved me. So, I did it over and over again. Eventually, I realized that my mother depended on me (and my two older siblings) and that depending on someone doesn’t necessarily translate to feelings of love.
Over the years, my mother told me many times that she was so grateful that my cousin, who was a sickly child, needed her when my father died, that she had a sense of purpose in her life because he needed her. Ouch. On multiple occasions I tried to talk to my mother about how hurtful this was. He had two parents and my only living parent decided it was her purpose in life to care for him.
I needed my mother when my father died, and she abandoned me. It may have been easier if I didn’t have to see her every day, doting on him (and eventually his younger sister). As an adult, I tried to talk to my mother about this many times and got nothing. No reaction at all. She just looked at me with a blank stare, like she was waiting for me to say something, but that no words had just come out of my mouth.
When I look in the mirror and see her, I realize what I missed in my life. Not only did I miss out on having parents, what I got was the responsibility of caring for an adult from the age of nine forward. So, for decades, that little girl has been locked up. I never let her out to play, to laugh or experience life. Is it better to protect her innocence or embrace her innocence while I experience the tumultuous nature of life? The thought of letting her out terrifies me but I know I have to do that to heal.
If you are looking for guidance in overcoming career difficulties, I would be happy to help!
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