The Silent Struggle: Performing at Work While Feeling Broken Inside

Anyone who follows me knows that I’m a “Swiftie.” As a trauma coach, a song on her latest album, The Tortured Poet’s Department (TTPD), hit home for me – I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. Some of the lyrics describe the familiar behavior of a high-functioning trauma survivor. Which lyrics jumped out to me?

• 'Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit
  They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I did
  Lights, camera, bitch smile, even when you wanna die…
• I was grinning like I'm winning; I was hitting my marks
  'Cause I can do it with a broken heart (one, two, three, four)…
• I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it's an art
  You know you're good when you can even do it
  With a broken heart…
• You know you're good when you can even do it
  With a broken heart
  You know you're good, I'm good
  'Cause I'm miserable
  And nobody even knows
  Try and come for my job.

*credit to Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff who wrote the song

Taylor is describing a romantic break-up that occurred early in her Eras tour – before Travis. For trauma survivors, it can run deeper (not to discount the pain of a break-up). As coworkers, you don’t need to know the details of someone else’s’ trauma, but one can safely assume that at any given time, someone they work with has experienced trauma that may be unprocessed. They may be acting like they are fine, holding their emotions inside just to get through the day.

In the hustle and bustle of the workplace, it's easy to assume that everyone who appears fine on the surface is genuinely okay. However, for many trauma survivors, the reality is much more complex. They may seem composed, productive, and engaged, but underneath the façade, they are grappling with profound challenges. Understanding this hidden struggle is crucial for creating a supportive and empathetic work environment.

The Mask of Normalcy

Trauma survivors often become adept at wearing a mask of normalcy. This mask allows them to navigate daily responsibilities without drawing attention to their inner turmoil. This can be especially true in a professional setting, where maintaining appearances can feel necessary to avoid stigma or unwanted scrutiny. The pressure to appear "fine" can be overwhelming, leading survivors to suppress their emotions and conceal their struggles.

Why Trauma Survivors Might Appear Fine

• Coping Mechanisms: Many trauma survivors develop coping mechanisms that help them function in everyday life. These mechanisms can range from overworking to avoid thinking about their trauma to using humor or detachment to deflect attention from their true feelings.
• Fear of Judgment: The fear of being judged or misunderstood can compel survivors to hide their struggles. They may worry that revealing their trauma will lead to pity, discrimination, or doubts about their capabilities.
• Professional Expectations: Workplace culture often prioritizes productivity and professionalism over personal well-being. Survivors might feel pressured to meet these expectations, even at the expense of their mental health.
• Self-Preservation: For some, appearing fine is a form of self-preservation. By maintaining a sense of control and normalcy, they can create a buffer against the chaos that trauma can bring into their lives.

The Hidden Signs

While trauma survivors may appear fine, there are often subtle signs that all is not well beneath the surface:

• Inconsistent Performance: Fluctuations in work performance, from periods of high productivity to moments of apparent disengagement or distraction, can indicate underlying struggles.
• Absenteeism: Frequent sick days, tardiness, or extended breaks can be coping strategies for managing overwhelming emotions or symptoms.
• Emotional Outbursts: Occasional outbursts of anger, frustration, or sadness may seem out of character but can be indicators of unprocessed trauma.
• Isolation: A tendency to isolate from colleagues, avoiding social interactions or team activities, can signal a survivor's difficulty in managing their emotions in a social context.

How to Support Trauma Survivors in the Workplace

Creating a supportive environment for trauma survivors involves both awareness and action:

• Foster Open Communication: Encourage a culture where employees feel safe discussing their mental health without fear of judgment or repercussions. Offering regular check-ins and promoting open dialogue can help.
• Provide Resources: Ensure that employees have access to mental health resources, such as counseling services, support groups, and educational materials about trauma and recovery.
• Promote Work-Life Balance: Encourage practices that support work-life balance, such as flexible working hours, remote work options, and adequate time off.
• Train Management: Educate managers and supervisors on how to recognize signs of trauma and provide appropriate support. Training in trauma-informed care can be particularly beneficial.
• Offer Empathy: Sometimes, the best support is simply being empathetic and understanding. Let employees know that their well-being is a priority and that it's okay to ask for help.

If someone you work with has a sudden change in demeanor or job performance, don’t make assumptions or pass judgment. Ask if they are okay. If they say no, start by saying, “Thank you for trusting me enough to talk to me. It's not easy to be vulnerable.” You may not have the answers they need right now but you can offer your support. Showing empathy costs nothing but it builds trust.

You could say something like 'it’s okay to feel like that' or, 'what you're going through sounds really tough'. Sometimes when you are struggling with your mental health, it can feel very lonely. Validate what they are feeling, let them know that they are not alone. Do not compare your experiences to their trauma. This time is about them and their needs and is not the time to trauma bond.

How can you help?

• Reassure them – people may not always be ready to talk but it is important for you to share what support is available, tell them your door is always open and let them know you'll make sure they get the support they need.
• If they want to talk, listen (in strict confidence – it’s not your story to share, only share if you have serious concerns about their safety).
• Ask if there is someone that you can call for them. This could be a loved one or healthcare provider.
• If you have Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) benefits, give them the number.
• Suggest they call 988 to get crisis support.
• Offer to cover for them while they do one of the above.

Trauma survivors can appear fine on the outside while facing immense challenges internally. By fostering a supportive and understanding work environment, we can help these individuals manage their trauma and thrive professionally. Remember, appearances can be deceiving, and offering a helping hand can make all the difference in a survivor's journey toward healing.

I’ve been the high-functioning performer at work. The one who always gave more than needed. The one who worked excessive hours. The one who always smiled. When my tough exterior cracked, people couldn’t get away from me fast enough. When I told my leader that I wasn’t okay, she pretended I’d said nothing.

Trauma survivors can do it with a broken heart, but they shouldn’t have to do it alone.